It's time for school again. School usually takes over my life and I forget there is anything outside the existence of school. Teachers seem to think we should only do school related stuff as well since they love to give us homework or tests to study for over breaks. I get stressed a lot when school starts. I forget how to live and I put everything on hold. Sometimes I wonder who I am without school. It is such a big part of my identity. Get good grades is something of a skill for me. It's pretty easy if you work really hard. I have a fear that outside of school, I don't know what to do. I've always thought people that learned a trade are so talented. To do something hands on and that be the graded context of your work is amazing. It is the proof of whether you are good enough. School makes me wonder a lot. How much textbook information are we expected to remember? Instead of going to school and getting a degree, I would make all work hands on training. Forget college, it's a waste of a lot of money to get a piece of paper that says something. I still don't get it. All I know is that school makes me stressed out, work stresses me out, the future stresses me out. Stress is the number one enemy. How do we prevent it from conquering our lives?

So I have a friend that said something to me that changed  my perception of relationships. I have been interested in him for a while and have slowly been making small steps in showing it. One day, we were watching tv in his room and started making out. I thought this was the start of a relationship, but I was wrong. Making out was just something that happened and we were supposed to go back to being friends. To be honest, I didn't know where we stood. Or maybe, I did know where we stood but wasn't accepting it. I was a bit hurt and didn't  know what to think. He told me about how he was scared of relationships because you could be with someone and someone that has a better connection with you could appear in your life. Should you stay with the one you love if someone better suited for you comes along? What if your relationship had no problems in it?

I was thinking about ending it and never seeing him again until I realized, being with him is the best thing in my life. I had always had relationships that were short term with lots of problems. I expected certain things from him, and acted cautiously so he would like me. Because of the way this relationship is, I could remove the fear of him leaving me when he sees my flaws. I am able to be honest and comfortable with him without worrying about what I am supposed to do in a relationship. His personality has a lot to how comfortable I am with him. He is very laid back in most aspects of his life, but still accomplishes what he wants to be happy. In a weird way, what we have works for me. Maybe I am just fooling myself and am compromising to be happy, but I really do feel happy. No expectations, friendship with love mixed into it. Of course, when he finds someone better, I will be crushed.